Angie’s Hunger Games

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Watched the Oscars last night.  The show didn’t induce chronic yawning like it normally does.  I don’t recall seeing anyone yanked offstage with a giant hook and Cirque du Soleil were tres cool.

I was doing fine with the whole thing until Angelina Jolie presented her little section of awards.  All of us in the room gasped collectively at the sight of her (we’d missed the red carpet entrances).  My first thought was somebody get that girl some food so she can lift the statue.

As she stood smiling, her lips a gharish red (the only plump things on her entire body), the crowd in my living room came up with their own ideas about why she looked so skeletal.  The most severe comment was “that’s what heroin does to you…” 

I’m willing to give Angelina the benefit of the doubt.  I don’t think a good old boy like Brad would let his lady go down the toilet with heroin.  He seems too…grounded for that.  I think I know what the problem is.

Angie has too many kids.   I know she loves them all dearly – all 75 of them.  It’s just that when you have that many kids, there’s probably no room for her at the table and thus, she doesn’t eat.

So, here’s my little message to Angelina:

Angelina, try this:  pull a stool up (if you’re too weak from hunger than get a minion to do it for you) to the kitchen counter of whatever chateau you’re living in now.  Start simple with a bowl of cereal or pasta.  Make time and space to feed yourself.  Forget being a vegan or eating a pro-biotic, macro-biotic sea kelp only BS diet – get yourself some nice simple carbs and chow down, for God’s sake.

We know you’re busy with the kids, writing, directing, learning Serbian, etc.  You must take care of yourself first.  We busy moms in the real world often eat standing up.  Or, in the car.  In fact, eating out of the pot on the stove is ok too if you just don’t have time to grab a plate.  I do not recommend eating standing up in the car out of a pot.  Dangerous.  But, then you’re Lara Croft.  You could probably pull it off…the point is we’re all busy and we find time to eat.  You can too.

I’ve seen Brad taking the kids on outings.  When there’s room at the table, get a minion to whip up an omelet or something.  Use this time to eat, girl.  Skeletal is out this year, healthy curves are in.  There is nothing sexy about a bag of bones in a designer dress.  You looked like an advertisement for the horror flick, “Woman in Black.”

Angie, you scared my kids last night.  I am taking up a collection here in Canada; we’re going to send you some stuff…Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, Hamburger Helper…maybe a box of Timbits…eat up.  Take care.

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