Dawn, or thereabouts.  My daughter is coughing up a storm in her room; my son is snuggled in his bed, clutchng his newly earned black belt.  I am curled up in a ball wondering why I’m so scared as my husband snores contentedly next to me, his hard earned vacation just hours away.

I am terrified.

I ask myself why.  I ask myself how this happened?  When did I turn into this insular, quaking, pathetic creature who doesn’t want to leave her house, her neighbourhood, her zone of safety?  I’m a Sagittarius for God’s sake – we’re the happy-go-lucky, wanderlust sign.  What is wrong with me?

Once I land in Barcelona, I know I’ll be fine.  If I’m not then I’ve given my husband permission to park my sorry ass in a bar somewhere within stumbling distance to the hotel so he and the kids can wander at will without me dragging them down.  I’ve been on Google Maps since the sun came up, obssessively mapping out our steps from the hotel to wherever.  Example:  Our hotel to Las Ramblas.  Literally, take a left, another left, then a right and there we are.  I already know where two convenient subway stops are.  I know that, on the subway we can get to Park Gruell in about 16 minutes.  Having this kind of knowledge gives me comfort – helps keep the fear at bay.  My husband shrugs and says, “We’ll just wander.”  Such words fill my heart with dread and that’s a shame.  Because without wandering, how can one discover?

My children are still young enough not to be worried about much of anything – except maybe where the next meal is coming from.  They still delight in the unknown, the undiscovered, the happened-upon.  I think they will take this trip the way I wish I could:  with open eyes and open minds.  It will be a true adventure.

I don’t want to put too much pressure on myself but I’ve got some serious lessons to learn on this trip – how to wander, how to let go, how to open my mind and my eyes.  Is it too late for me?  Google Maps is great and real but it’s not real, if you know what I mean.  This blog is going to be written proof of progress, or not.  We’ll see.  Like I said in an earlier post, I want to prove at least to my kids that I’m capable of getting through a family vacation without making everybody else miserable.

Deep breaths….oh, and we’re not even packed yet!!  Time to wake the husband…his wife whisperer skills are going to be put to the test today!!

Next stop:  Barcelona!!



2 responses »

  1. wee banshee, wander as if you are gathering material for the next story. drink in all the details – the colour, the rhythms, the smells, the unseen. follow your writer intuition instead of your organized, need-for-control mind. have lots of fun!!!

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